THE WHITE BUS
(The Despicable White Bus)

Every Wednesday. It comes every Wednesday. I see it almost every Wednesday. I see it much too often.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003, I was sitting in my parked truck watching the sun go down, listening to the Seattle Mariner's on the radio and checking out some of the talk shows, and enjoying a cheap can of beer which replaced fluids expended mowing my 'lawn.' That's the idea anyway, but the Mariner's had already won, and the sun had already set when I tuned in Larry Elder. It is times or moments like these when many of my ideas come to me. (Just felt like sharing this with any budding writers out there looking for ways to find inspiration - - - work up a sweat and then find time to relax and enjoy. Or, is it the beer?).

Larry was on his high-horse about Oreo cookies. I had seen something about an attack on Oreo cookies in some media recently, but having not paid attention, I didn't know what it was all about. I probably would have guessed that Jessee Jackson, Al Sharpton, or Maxine Waters were behind the attack, and there was some racial reason for outlawing Oreos. Can't have the Chilrun thinking that it is ok to be black on the outside and white on the inside. I would have been wrong. The attack is about certain kinds of fat(s) used to make the cookie, artificial fats which are supposed to be unhealthy.

But, why pick on the Oreo? There must be other things equally endowed with supposedly harmful fats. Nevermind, it was the gift horse I was looking for, the piece to my mind puzzle that completed the picture. I had been trying to work something up on the White Bus for some time, and now I think I have it.

What's the opposite of an Oreo? White on the outside and black on the inside? The White Bus?

You see the White Bus transports prisoners out to the Clallam Bay Prison from our more populated areas. But, that's not the Oreo connection I want to make. Besides, I suspect the White Bus is an "equal opportunity" transporter. The White Bus doesn't care. But, why make it white? Maybe the man knows.

If they made it prisoner-orange, that might be too close to school-bus-yellow, and the students might start thinking that they were really the prisoners they are. Wouldn't do.

It should be green to represent the cash cow it really is. Or, I might settle for scarlet in recognition of how we have prostituted ourselves.

Originally, I was thinking of how to incorportate the White Bus into The Perfection of Imperfection theme. The White Bus is one of those costs of "efficiency." It is a symbol of even greater costs. And, so is the Oreo, maybe. What is the Oreo-White Bus connection if not the racial one?

I suppose that I am fortunate. One of my grandmothers was a super cookie maker, and so was my mother. No artificial fats. Just real butter. Who'd want a waxy old Oreo when Nirvana was right there, made with two pounds of butter and 16,000 tons of love?

We were much closer to perfection in my youth. At least I believe that and with good reason. Who has talked us into this mess we are facing? How do we get out of it? Yes, we need to get out.

We are reminded that the kids are getting fatter. Why is that if Mom has a job and no time to make cookies with real butter? Is it really the fat substitutes, and that the kids are eating too many Oreos?

I think not. I think the system is stealing their hopes and dreams. Eating is one thing they can still do pretty well without help, without a teacher's assistance, without encouragement from a counsellor, or the advice of an expert. All the other things have been put out of reach - - - too far away to be an incentive for most. How long must they wait now to get married? How long must they kill time in some institution ("school") before they are allowed to work? Just pick up a fry and instantly at least something gets done!

Then, there is the anti-smoking drive. It is enough to make anyone anxious. If you can't pop a butt into your mouth to calm down, how about a potato chip? Is there a reason the farmers who grew peas, strawberries, broccoli, corn, and cauliflower where I grew up all now grow potatoes? I am not a smoker, but I have lived with them, and I have observed the contribution that smoking and smokers make to our society. Many used cigarettes to control weight. Others used the weed to control boredom. How many kids were saved from more grievous infractions because they were allowed to be "bad" by firing up a fag? They got to posture and strut without hurting anyone really. That's right, "second-hand smoke" is a lie. It is a necessary lie because the decrease in smoking is not bringing the predicted decrease in deaths. The 53,000 or so "excess" deaths per year must be blamed on something, eh? There must have been more such deaths when more people smoked around everyone else. Seems odd that we could not detect them then. Only now.

Have you ever watched anyone quit smoking? What can you usually make a winning bet? That they'll gain weight? What prediction would you make about the general population if you scare them out of things which will take the focus off of food? Now, it maybe a good thing to discourage smoking, but we don't need to blame something else for obesity because we don't like the truth. Most of us need a crutch of some kind. I see the cigarette as less innocuous than what the "do-gooders" have in store.

Perhaps kids are getting fatter because the real fat has been removed from their diet, and they eat more trying to get enough of the fat they require somewhere. Perhaps the real stuff of life has been removed from their existence, so they eat more to compensate. Maybe not. The important thing to recognize is that it is the same types who have taken away our real fat to make our lives better that have taken the real stuff out of our lives in order to make them better.

And given us the White Bus.

Copyright © 2003, Donald L. Beeman. All rights reserved.

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